Eternal torment

I never knew death could be so peaceful. I never actually believed in it.

When I opened my eyes and faced the building I had thrown myself from I couldn’t believe how high it actually was. I should have been crushed by now or chocked in my own blood. But I wasn’t. I simply wasn’t.

I sat up and felt as if I had just gotten out of bed. The streets were deserted for this time of the night. No one had seen me jump. No one found me dead. I imagined people gathered around my corpse, wondering why a girl like me killed herself. I imagined the news on tv…

I was standing in the middle of the street. It really felt like nothing had happened. If someone passed me by right now, they wouldn’t know.

I looked up again. I had jumped, hadn’t I? A few moments ago, I was right there, on the edge of my balcony six floors up. I was crying and then I stepped on air ready to face death. For a moment I was flying then I panicked, my heart felt like exploding, my head hurt, I wanted to scream but I couldn’t and then I was gone. When I opened my eyes I was laying on concrete in the middle of the street yet my body was perfectly fine. Perhaps I was a ghost? No, there should have been a body here. I should have been able to stare at my own blooded body…then again, what did I know? If I was not dead then what the hell was this?


I walked to the door of my building. Keys. I had no keys of course to enter, didn’t really think of bringing the keys when I jumped…

I rang the intercom of one of my neighbors. He was very grumpy. It was after all way past normal hours. I asked him to let me in and luckily he didn’t refuse.

A few moments later I was standing before my apartment door realizing how stupid I was. I had no keys of course…no phone, nothing. What an idiot! What to do? Ask my neighbor to help me again? Use his phone to call my brother to come over and let me in?

I exited the building again not wanting to bother neither my neighbor nor my brother. I felt different. Perhaps I died after all.

I roamed the streets, clueless and bewildered.

Why had I jumped? It all started three months ago.

Three months ago I met the love of my life.

Three months ago I organized a party for my birthday and decorated my balcony with colorful lights and ornaments. A friend of mine brought him. He was grumpy and rude but my friend told me he was depressed and felt sorry for him.

I tried to be civil. I even asked him to help me in the kitchen when I saw him sitting in a corner like a shadow. That’s when we started talking. He told me he had lost his job, his marriage and his right to see his daughter. I wasn’t in a good stage of my life either and that was how we connected.

We became friends then lovers and then we were completely crazy about each other. We opened our own business together. A young couple happy and lucky to have found each other.


A week ago he surprised me with tickets to New Orleans. I had told him on the night we met how much I wanted to go there. I was so happy and amazed he remembered that. But, I needed to apply for a visa and so did he. Then again, we had plenty of time because our trip was going to take place after half a year.

He went out to get some cake and wine to celebrate and plan our trip.

He never came back.

The police stood at my door a few hours later. He had had an accident and died. I knew then my life was over.

I planned his funeral, attended his funeral completely and saw his body. But, I did not cry. I was dead on the inside.

Though I let friends and family comfort me, I did not need it. They did. Numb and cold, in my heart I was planning to kill myself.

I killed myself yet I was alive. But that was not all, soon I was going to realize I was not the only one who had risen from the dead.


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